Tuesday, 4 February 2014

A mama's love

When little b was born I was hit by a wave of emotions. Probably in all honesty the biggest being that of shock. It was a very quick and dramatic birth with a very fast and tense and heightened pushing stage. I was given 5 pushes or forceps and then she was here! Once she was in my arms I waited for that elusive feeling of instant and all consuming love and connection that I had heard so much about. But I'm afraid to say it didn't happen like that for me; something that I now realise to be quite common. It's beginnings were there; a fleeting feeling as I gazed at her sleeping in my arms but not yet fully realised in all it's Hollywood glory... My body and brain too tired, too overwrought by all that had occurred for that instant feeling of overwhelming love to be made.

Don't get me wrong, I thought she was wonderful, beautiful, an amazing little thing. I was proud, happy, excited but a little nervous, why didn't I feel it? It just hadn't hit me. Yet....

Then when we took her home my overwhelming feeling was that of fear. Mixed with wonder and amazement that we had created this perfect little person! Heightened by the babies blues I lived in a state of almost perpetual anxiety. Scared that would hurt or break this precious little being. Fear she might get too cold, too hot. Hours spent watching her sleep, checking she was still breathing.... The fear surrounding my awareness that I was fully responsible for this little being; her health, happiness and wellbeing all ours. Quite a daunting task. And there it was hidden in the fear. Buried in the anxiety but growing steadily.... Bringing with it tears of joy when it surfaced...

One night as I was feeding her, I looked down at her little face. The little hands curled and twitching and that's when it hit me! BAM! Love. That fierce, overwhelming, kill for you love that I'd been expecting at the birth. It didn't take long and when it hit me... Wow! Words cannot describe it. It was there that night as I cradled her, sleepy and milk drunk, as I gazed on her beautiful sleeping face, held her little hands, kissed her little feet. Suddenly there so strongly, so overwhelmingly it often moved me to tears. A love so strong, so precious and so wonderful...

Now it's deepened and strengthened. A more mellow version of that early love but still as fierce, a mama lion's love for her little cub. If anything stronger and deeper but less hormonal! A love that thinks that clearly her's is the most wonderful, intelligent, beautiful child in the world. But a more calm love, a certain, steady love; not quite so many tears- although sometimes still present as I gaze on her beautiful sleeping face... A love that is now harder to put into words, try as I might in hope that one day she reads this and knows with every fibre and part of her being that she was and IS loved. So very very loved.

What's amazing is this is a love that she is now reflecting back to us; it's there in her cheeky little grin, the toy she offers me to play with, the cuddles that she's just learnt to give. As she climbs into my lap for a cuddle. It's wonderful, moving, life affirming, all consuming and ours. This beautiful love for our little girl, our gorgeous little bean. We love you! <3


  1. Thank you Mama Bean :) That means a lot as your blogs are always beautiful to read! X