Friday, 21 February 2014

It's about time!

So I've just realised it's been two, no nearly three weeks since my last blog.  It's honestly felt like two minutes.  I cannot believe how fast it's flown... Just like the months of little b's life so far: 9 months now, all flown by far far too quickly.

My phone is full of half written blogs, started during nap times and forgotten as soon a little b wakes up.  Or more often then not forgotten as I gaze on her beautiful little sleeping face. Forgotten, like most things these days...  In part due to baby brain; does anyone else have this? I just don't seem to remember anything anymore. Maybe it's unconsciously selective; dull (but unfortunately sometimes important) memories being pushed aside for those wonderful golden memories of little b as she grows.

The concept of time for me is something that changed once little B was born, it went from me really, now I realise, doing what I liked when I liked to me giving my time almost exclusively to her.  Yes, now my time exists for little b.  This was something I found took my a while to adjust to; 6 weeks of maternity leave and 28 years of doing what I pleased made it tricky for me to suddenly devote myself entirely to another little being.  Suddenly my waking (and sleeping!!) hours belonged  to another.  But I very quickly realised how lucky and blessed I am that they do, how lucky I am to be able to give my time to her... I know Papa b would jump at the chance.

Some might say but what about me time?! For me it's simple, I chose to bring her into the world. I chose to be a mama and now I chose to give my time to her.  But more than that, for me, this time is me time, little b is my me time.  What can be more wonderful than playing with my little girl; ok the odd lie in might be nice but looking at her little face as she offers me a toy, hearing her giggle as she plays, cuddling her to me as she sits on my lap for her favourite story, for me that trumps any and every lie in!

And what of the housework? The chores? In the early days I ran myself ragged trying to do as many as I could, popping little b in her chair to clean until I realised something... time flies, time is precious and this time with little b is too precious to miss! Every day she grows up a little more and every day needs me a little less.  So now I clean when I can, enough to be safe for her but not obsessively. Cobwebs will always be there, little b needing me will not. Until then my time is for little b, cobwebs be damned...

So for me, I chose quick showers, less makeup (if any!), less sleep, less tv, less chores because I chose to give my time to little b; time that is precious and wonderful.  So, sorry but blog time is over - little b and I need to play! ;)

Love Mama Amore Xxx

Tuesday, 4 February 2014

A mama's love

When little b was born I was hit by a wave of emotions. Probably in all honesty the biggest being that of shock. It was a very quick and dramatic birth with a very fast and tense and heightened pushing stage. I was given 5 pushes or forceps and then she was here! Once she was in my arms I waited for that elusive feeling of instant and all consuming love and connection that I had heard so much about. But I'm afraid to say it didn't happen like that for me; something that I now realise to be quite common. It's beginnings were there; a fleeting feeling as I gazed at her sleeping in my arms but not yet fully realised in all it's Hollywood glory... My body and brain too tired, too overwrought by all that had occurred for that instant feeling of overwhelming love to be made.

Don't get me wrong, I thought she was wonderful, beautiful, an amazing little thing. I was proud, happy, excited but a little nervous, why didn't I feel it? It just hadn't hit me. Yet....

Then when we took her home my overwhelming feeling was that of fear. Mixed with wonder and amazement that we had created this perfect little person! Heightened by the babies blues I lived in a state of almost perpetual anxiety. Scared that would hurt or break this precious little being. Fear she might get too cold, too hot. Hours spent watching her sleep, checking she was still breathing.... The fear surrounding my awareness that I was fully responsible for this little being; her health, happiness and wellbeing all ours. Quite a daunting task. And there it was hidden in the fear. Buried in the anxiety but growing steadily.... Bringing with it tears of joy when it surfaced...

One night as I was feeding her, I looked down at her little face. The little hands curled and twitching and that's when it hit me! BAM! Love. That fierce, overwhelming, kill for you love that I'd been expecting at the birth. It didn't take long and when it hit me... Wow! Words cannot describe it. It was there that night as I cradled her, sleepy and milk drunk, as I gazed on her beautiful sleeping face, held her little hands, kissed her little feet. Suddenly there so strongly, so overwhelmingly it often moved me to tears. A love so strong, so precious and so wonderful...

Now it's deepened and strengthened. A more mellow version of that early love but still as fierce, a mama lion's love for her little cub. If anything stronger and deeper but less hormonal! A love that thinks that clearly her's is the most wonderful, intelligent, beautiful child in the world. But a more calm love, a certain, steady love; not quite so many tears- although sometimes still present as I gaze on her beautiful sleeping face... A love that is now harder to put into words, try as I might in hope that one day she reads this and knows with every fibre and part of her being that she was and IS loved. So very very loved.

What's amazing is this is a love that she is now reflecting back to us; it's there in her cheeky little grin, the toy she offers me to play with, the cuddles that she's just learnt to give. As she climbs into my lap for a cuddle. It's wonderful, moving, life affirming, all consuming and ours. This beautiful love for our little girl, our gorgeous little bean. We love you! <3